Testimony

Writing for today's Five Minute Friday Linkup
where bloggers free write for five minutes based on a prompt.

Today's prompt is Testimony

I seem to be feeling poetical again today ...


The church is full of sound
The singing is rich and heart-felt
I stand beside friends who raise their hands
My sixteen-year-old self-consciousness
keeps mine firmly by my side

Life has been kind of rough lately
I am busy and tired
School is hard and I am sixteen, after all
My heart is confused and lonely
I have so much but I am often discontent
I long for things I do not have

As I sing, the words begin to die in my mouth
My tongue will not form them any more
I am doubting
It swells in me like a dark wave
Is any of this real?
Do I really belong here?
God feels far away
I wonder for the first time if I am really a good girl
If he really loves me
And that thought is terrifying
I feel adrift suddenly
Out of the blue
something heavy and black is pressing down on me

I am nauseous
Afraid of what it means
Too confused even to pray
The service ends and I begin to walk out
A friend greets me
Asks me what is wrong
I confess - I don't know
I just ...
Words will not form
But he knows
Something tells him to say what I need to hear

Go home
Decide
Yes, Lord or No, Lord
Just that

I hold the words in my mind as I am driven home
I run to my bedroom and close the door
I open my journal and hold the pen above the paper
my cheeks damp with the gravity of this moment
There is doubt but there is also the grace of certainty
That there is no other way
But Yes, Lord

And in the years since then
He has kept me
There are still doubts but not about this:
That when the church is full of sound
I belong in his house
With his people
Singing his songs