Chapter 2: Comparison sickness

Hi there homeschooling parents! As promised here is Chapter 2 of

I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!

How to homeschool your young children without losing your mind

(And if you enjoy my writing, how about popping over to the "Books" page above? You might be interested in reading one of my novels for free! I'll be sharing the first few chapters of this book over the next while but the whole (short) book will be available on Amazon in September)

Chapter 2: Comparison sickness

“You’ve chosen not to have regular school goals, so don’t expect to have regular school achievements.”

-Se7en

This could perhaps be the wisest thing about homeschooling I have ever read. (And so is almost everything else this homeschooling mama says. Check out her blog at se7en.org.za) It makes so much sense, but I suspect many of us homeschooling parents could make a sport out of stressing over whether or not our kids measure up to kids who go to school.

I have felt deep stress about my kids’ Afrikaans and their handwriting. I have felt genuinely embarrassed of atrocious spelling. But when I remind myself that I chose to focus on other things, I don’t regret those choices. I chose not to begin teaching my kids a second language at the age of six just because that’s how it’s done at school. It made no sense to me to confuse them with a different set of phonics rules before they could even write in their home language, so I chose to delay that. I can’t expect them to be sprouting Afrikaans like their friends; there is a pay-off for everything. I choose not to push my kids into the tantrums-and-tears zone. I choose to keep the volume of written work low and give them more time to play and be kids. I can’t expect them to have perfect cursive skills by age ten if this is what I choose. Our children cannot enjoy the benefits of both home and traditional school at the same time.

Every term your friends’ children who go to traditional school get a report card with a list of numbers or symbols on it. But you know, I am sure, perhaps from your own experience at school, that the report card is not an exhaustive summary of what a child knows. It cannot report back on everything he has learnt or all the skills he has developed. In many ways, reports are for teachers more than they are for children and their parents. One of the wonderful advantages of homeschooling is that your child can learn and grow without being measured against anyone at all except for himself.

I don’t think that grading and marking and reporting are useless. When academics becomes more important, at a high school and tertiary education level, they are necessary. Marks can be a great motivator. But I don’t believe that younger children benefit from knowing how they measure up to each other. They will most likely do it in their play. They have a natural interest in how they compare to each other. But they do not need us to do it for them, and as parents we need to focus on the progress they are making and the areas they need help with, and avoid comparing them with other children, homeschooled or not.

I don’t mean that we shouldn’t have conversations with our fellow homeschoolers or our non-homeschooling friends where we talk about what our children are doing. We love talking about our children. We need encouragement and support from others and to get that we need to talk about our successes and our challenges. The key is not to let it bother us when another child can do what ours can’t.

When my kids were babies I had a book that was permanently beside my bed: Marina Petropolous’ Baby and Childcare Handbook. I pored over that book so much that it was dog-eared and breaking by the time my fourth child was past the toddler stage. I wanted to know: is my child doing all right? Did she smile at the right time? Is she crawling early or late? When will she start playing with toys? Is it all right to give her solids yet?

I wanted to know if my kids were doing all right, and I wanted to know if I was doing all right. That book was wonderful; it was so gentle and helpful and encouraging that I needed it even when I was doing the baby thing for the fourth time. We tend to want the same when we homeschool, and there is nothing wrong with that. A list of milestones that extends beyond the baby years is useful. Cutting a straight line with scissors, writing a whole paragraph, being able to spend ten whole minutes concentrating on a Maths worksheet – these are all “milestones” just like the baby ones. And the advice when you have a baby is almost always that you needn’t worry, your baby will get there in her own time.

We all took our babies for check-ups just to make sure they didn’t have challenges that needed special attention. If you’re anxious about something your child seems to struggle with, then there is no harm in getting advice and help. Schools are good at picking up eye problems, hearing loss and learning challenges like dyslexia, because there are so many children for comparison! If you think your child is struggling with something more than you think he should be, then do what the school would tell you to do and find an educational psychologist or a friend who is a teacher to talk to. There are many people out there who offer assessments to homeschoolers, and they can be invaluable to parents who are feeling they need someone else’s perspective and wisdom.

Think of “school” milestones in the same way as baby milestones and it will cause you less anxiety than if you think in terms of grade levels. There is no law that says a child must learn to read by six and must be subtracting with borrowing by seven and a half. You have the luxury of being able to take a year and a half do finish a grade’s worth of Maths, or to get through it in six months.

It’s easy to say all these things but often the reality is difficult. It’s hard to swallow when your child’s friend who is the same age can read when he can’t even remember his letters. It’s even harder when a younger sibling begins to outpace an older one! This is an area where we have to reflect the attitude we want them to have. We want our children to do their best and be satisfied with that, but still desire to learn and grow and stretch themselves. We want them to feel encouraged when they achieve something or learn something new. But there are so many things we can spare them: the “dumb kid” label, the disappointment in themselves, the frustration of having tried their best only to discover it wasn’t good enough. I think we can combat this by applauding little milestones as they are reached, whether they got there at the pace of the tortoise or the hare. I think this is what a child who is behind his peers needs to believe: I could learn that if I tried. I haven’t tried enough yet, but if I do I can learn it. I’ll get there. There are lots of other great things I know and I can do.

You might need to pause and examine your own deep beliefs and motivations here. Are your children’s achievements connected to your own sense of self-worth? Are you rushing them to finish Maths books, paint wonderful pictures and master new skills for them or for yourself? If you feel deeply distressed about your children not measuring up, you might be guilty. I know I have been. But this way of thinking is so unhelpful for everyone. Your children are not extensions of you. They are their own unique, individual people. You are there to guide them to adulthood, and although their behaviour may reflect on you, their God-given talents and challenges do not.

And remember how it was with babies: your baby may have crawled at six months but only slept through the night reliably at the age of eight. Someone else’s baby happily ate broccoli and spinach but took a year to learn to use the toilet. That doesn’t change when children are older. So talk about your children, get advice and tips and encouragement from others, even your traditional-schooling friends. But don’t feel like the worst mom in the world when your kid doesn’t seem to measure up. Again: you have chosen not to have regular school goals, so don’t expect to see regular school achievements.

Is there someone you stalk on the internet or social media because she seems to have the homeschooling family/routine/workspace you wish you had? We all know blogs and Instagram usually only show the good times. Be inspired by what you see out there on the internet, but don’t let it make you feel like a failure. That’s not always easy to do. You might need to do some unfollowing for your own sanity’s sake.

    How not to fall into the trap of unhealthy comparisons:

·         Remember that you chose the benefits of homeschooling over the benefits of traditional school
·         Compare for encouragement and support and don’t let any "shortcomings" distress you
·         Ask a professional for help if you are concerned
·         Think of school milestones as you thought of baby milestones
·         Don’t make it about you
·         Watch who you are watching